For the last few months I’ve been finding myself on the “How Train”. How did I get here? How did I fall out of love with blogging? How did I find myself here? How did I just decide to let everything fall apart? These are the questions that I had for so long and as I think back on it, I find myself laughing out loud at the amount of exaggeration and pressure I was putting on myself to be a mogul at 23 years-old.
Bazey. Bazey, the Blogger. Bazey of the Bazey Address. These self-proclaimed titles that I placed upon myself became not just word associations, but my identity. I decided that being “Bazey” was who I was overall and that gave me meaning and purpose. So when I found myself struggling to balance a blog and my senior year of college, I felt like I was losing my identity. When I found myself struggling to manage my blog and apply for job’s once I graduated, I again found myself feeling like I was losing my identity. The only saving grace I had was the idea that I was going to be an entertainment blogger and I was going to pick back up on blogging eventually.
So what happens when that doesn’t happen? Or worse, what happens when you don’t love entertainment anymore?
Now don’t get me wrong, I do still love the entertainment world, but I’d be lying if I said my other interests, like social issues, politics, and self-care, did not take precedent over my once beloved genre. I found myself not appreciating the hustle and bustle of keeping up with the numerous entertainment stories. I found myself constantly asking myself “what difference does one more blog writing about the new Chris Brown or Beyoncé story make?” In a nutshell, I just wanted more. More than what I was allowing me to give to myself.
I wanted soooo badly for The Bazey Address, as it was, to work. I wanted so badly to be that girl. To be THAT “Bazey”, and when I couldn’t “measure up” I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and hurt. No one asked me to do it. Honestly, I’m sure no one even really cared that much. Or maybe they did and they never voiced it. Either way, I had given all that I could give to The Bazey Address at the time.
Months rolled by and my website laid dormant. I was uninspired, uninterested, and unwilling to allow myself to explore any other facets of myself because I failed Self-Discovery 101 the first time. How do you even fail something like that? The truth is you don’t! If I am being honest with myself a lot of my confusion came from lack of life experience, fear, and if I’m being really really honest, lack of motivation by way of laziness.
My lack of life experience made me roll my eyes every time and older person told me about how I’ll “get there” and “we didn’t have it figured out either”. I thought “how dare they”? How can someone with a home, a job, and consistent income tell me anything about getting there? Uhhhh…maybe because they had to get there too. I realized just how right they were when I decided to subscribe to their words of wisdom and stop resisting. My mom’s first job of out college paid $13,000 annually. THIRTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS! From then to now she has evolved, and is making way more than 13k, ok? But she didn’t start here. She started at her then. Once I realized that, I learned to see past what was in front of me. Everything looks glamorous in HD, but too often we fail to acknowledge all the behind the scenes work it took to create the pretty picture in front of us. She didn’t wake up to more. She worked for it and my bratty, entitled ass needed to learn, understand, and accept that I too was going to have to work for mine just like everybody else.
In addition to thinking my big break was going to fall out of the sky, I also had to push myself outside of my box which was a task within itself. I was afraid of the world and afraid of putting myself out there. Maybe it was the fear of ridicule or being misunderstood or failing or all of the above, but I know now that in order to find my place in the world I firstly had to explore it. All that I am did not and will not stop at 23. I am more than what I believe myself to be and I have the right to change, evolve, stop, go, change, grow roots, and spin around in circles until I reach my next destination. Notice how I said next destination. I’ll find myself in this rut again. Confused and trying to find myself. I’ll probably throw a hissy fit again, until I decide to look within and find what sets my soul on fire for right now. It’s ok to be in the “right now”. The right now will eventually lead you to your “for eternity”. It’s ok if that doesn’t happen today. Let go of the fear of the unknown. Allow yourself to see beyond yourself or even beyond your life plan (all young people have them) and allow yourself to feel the moment. Embrace all your moments in life. Good and bad. They matter just as much as the long hauls do.
Lastly, don’t be lazy. Don’t allow having to explore, try and fail, or even gaining success stop your from reaching new heights. Don’t convince yourself that your dreams are too hard. How can your dream be too hard? How can you resolve in your mind that what you want is just too difficult to obtain? The biggest disservice you can do for yourself is not allow yourself to become the person you are destined to be. Don’t live with regrets or shoulda, coulda, woulda’s. Do it NOW! Take that risk, try that new idea, fail at that idea, and explore ALL your ideas! You are allowed to do that. Don’t get lazy on your journey. It’s not too hard! Breakdown your goals, set deadlines, take mental breaks, research, plan, experiment, ask questions, have people read and review your stuff, and take your time.
One more time! Take your time. Do not let society’s unrealistic clock convince you that you are behind. You’re not! You’re just getting started. It’s ok to simmer. A slow burn still makes the pot hot, right?
I’m simmering right now and I’m happy. I am so appreciative of my quiet space because in that space I am finding myself. I am remembering who I am and what I am capable of. I am acknowledging my strong suits and working on my weak spots. I am patient. I am forgiving. I am rooted in reality. And you know what? I can see things coming together again. I can see the future and it’s BRIGHT, ok?? Your future is too!
So here I am. Still think I’m having an identity crisis? Yea, I don’t either. I’m still laughing at the drama I put myself through thinking that I was! I am only23. 23 and able. 23 and driven. 23 and bossing up. 23 and learning. 23 and unsure. 23 and exploring. 23 and still working on it. I am not having an identity crisis, I am just getting started!
To anyone out there who finds themselves confused or worried about their future I want you to know that it’s ok and it’s normal. You are not BEHIND! You are EXACTLY where you need to be. Take your time. Evaluate where you are in your life. Be honest on where you can improve and celebrate where you have improved. A breakthrough is closer than you think it is, but you have to allow yourself to get there. Don’t give up and don’t give into negativity. Just keep going!